Ukraine is planning to march large numbers of gay men into Crimea in hopes of scaring off Russian soldiers currently occupying the territory.
According to local reports this “gay army” will be unarmed and its mission will be to act as flamboyantly homosexual as possible, causing the deeply prejudiced occupying force to flee back to its homeland.
“Russia is one of the most homophobic nations on Earth,” says Ukrainian defense minister Boris Grishenko. “We’re planning to use that fact to our advantage and take back our land.
“Ukraine is a small country. We don’t have a lot of tanks or battleships. And we stupidly gave up our nuclear weapons in the 1990s. But we still have plenty of gays, and if there’s one thing Russians fear more than atomic warfare it’s explicit displays of homosexuality.
“It will start small. Just a simple parade with a few hundred shirtless men. But once the Lady Gaga starts blasting, things are gonna get wild. Hopefully all the pumping, grinding and gyrating will have them headed for the hills.”
In the Navy
Russian soldiers have occupied the Crimean peninsula following a revolution in Ukraine which swept a pro-European government to power.
Ukraine and the West believe Russia is unlawfully occupying another nation’s territory. Moscow claims it is simply safeguarding the interests of the Russian-speaking population amid the recent turmoil.
Efforts to end the crisis though diplomacy have so far come to naught, as European and American sanctions appear to be having little effect. But interviews with the occupying forces suggest that Ukraine’s new strategy just might do the trick.
“It’s not worth it. I’m leaving,” says one soldier. “I can take bullets. I can take bombs. But if Ukraine sends any gay people my way I’m going home. I didn’t sign up for this shit.”
Recruitment for the campaign has reportedly been strong, with nearly half of Kiev’s gay male community signed up for the patriotic task of retaking Crimea.
“Fighting homophobia and Putin at the same time? Sign me up,” says Victor, a 34-year-old hairdresser. “My partner and I are marching together and we’re bringing the full set of butt plugs. I can’t wait.”
THIS IS SATIRE, FOLKS.