Rumour has it – that there is big money behind a USA evangelical group to open ‘faith’ cafes. The idea came from a faith based Christian group that reported it is moving away from targeting homosexuals. “The homo thing is a losing money maker,” said Hokey B Broadmouth of the “Faith in Snakes Church” near Viperland, Northern California. Mr. Broadmouth went on to say that handling snakes for the Lord is not only more profitable than taking on homosexuals, but it’s a lot more fun. We have our own ‘gay’ time.”
The “Faith in Snakes Church” is based on the Scriptures. Mr. Broadmouth opened the Bible in front of me. “Here, read it– its taken from the Gospel of Mark 16:17-18. Mr. Broadmouth is an impressive heavyweight weighing at least 350 lbs – 100lbs of which is his solid gold cross. Mr. Broadmouth saw me looking at it, “The congregation gave it to me. I consider it an investment in the Lord. “Now, read the word of God. I did so.
“And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will … pick up snakes with their hands.” As a result of this text, there are some churches that practice snake handling. During church services, people actually handle poisonous snakes, supposedly giving evidence that they are true believers who are empowered and protected by God. (Mark 16:17-18).
I must have read it well, because tears filled Hokey B’s eyes. “Now, I’m going to tell you about my proposal. You have to understand that the idea is to get the young filled with faith. So, I’m opening a chain of burger joints – I’m calling them “Snakes and Shakes.” Faith is what made that little nine year old fire a uzi and unfortunately kill her instructor. I know the good folks at the *Last Stop, they provide high quality burgers and a shooting range.” *(True story of a nine year old who was allowed by Last Stop to fire a Uzi machine gun. It killed the instructor).
I interjected. “Mr. Broadmouth, do you think it was faith or stupidity on the part of the parents?”
“I mean to let a nine year old fire an automatic weapon after she ate a burger?”
“You some Commie, liberal, fascist, Obama-supporter, lover of the poor or homosexual? Are you against the NRA (National Rifleman’s Association)”
He moved towards me his 100 lb gold cross swinging. I ducked before the cross crossed over my throat and ended my life.
He stopped short of me.
“What you need to know is that these nine year olds have to be trained in automatic rifles early before the End Times. We need the Bible and bullets to take on the enemy. Yes – they are all around us:
I broke in “Commies, liberals, fascists, Obama-supporters, lover of the poor and lovers of homosexuals.?”
Broadmouth sweated, “Yes, and blacks, Hispanics, immigrants, Muslims, Jews and……”
Before I could utter another word, Broadmouth’s heart gave out…..he died with the heavy cross of sold gold cutting off his air supply.
Now, this may be rumour…..it’s hard to say. paula.