At a time and place, you met someone who set your heart pounding and your spirits ascending to the stars. Each meeting brought new revelations about her. When apart, you planned how to romance her, how to bring her joy and happiness. When you first kissed, you were lost in time and ecstasy. Then, at some time, you decided to enter into a committed relationship.
It’s 2016 – How Would You Rate Your Relationship?
If you are just a new couple, it may be hard to be totally realistic – you are still on cloud nine (good for you and I’m not knocking it). In fact, what is presenting most of us from doing the things we did in the first months of year that we were dating? What we did was keep our ego in check – no anger, no jealousy, but we lived in the spirit of gentleness, thoughtfulness, understanding and patience. We looked closely at what brought happiness, peace and well-being to the ‘beloved.’
For those of us in longer relationships, we have to ask ourselves are we doing these things or has our ego taken over?
Experts state that everyone has to ‘work’ on a relationship. Time in a relationship provides great memories, security and a mellowing of contentment. However, time can also bring to the relationship complacency – where we take the other for granted. We don’t mean to – but we do. We get careless. Why do we need to keep saying “nice” things – she knows I love her! When courting, arguments were soon shut down for fear of ‘losing’ the loved one. Well, we ‘lose’ our loved one in a long term relationship every time we belittle or hurt her. Do we want to be RIGHT or do we want to LOVE. The ego wants to be right, the ‘spirit’ wants to heal differences. In fights, we can come to the point of NO RETURN. It is at this point when people become vicious and present their partner with a litany of sins of the past. Has a person really won – when they humiliate and yell obscenities and vulgarity at their partner? Make your apology count – not the “I’m sorry you feel that way!”
Gentleness, Joy and Variety
There is a saying that get more results from honey than from vinegar. Honey is sweet and tempting whereas vinegar is sour and often needs to be diluted.
“Sweetheart, I could really use your help” is certainly more palatable than “I’ve been slaving at this for an hour and all you do is sit there and read!”
Do little things that bring joy and appreciation, but don’t do them to such a degree that the person feel overwhelmed by kindness.
Variety is important – life becomes dull, relationships become dull, without the odd “surprise”!
Talk as a Way of Making Love
Misunderstandings often result when a partner has not grasped the needs of her mate. No one is a ‘mind reader.’ We need to communicate our needs to our partner. If you need to bring up an issue, do it gently, going on the attack rarely gets you what you need.
“Honey, I love it when we are gentle and peaceful this way. Our recent yelling has made us both feel bad. Let’s keep in love.”
Listen to one anther. Don’t try to interrupt or dismiss a person’s feelings.
Don’t try to give your position -that’s ego. “How can I do better?” -that’s spirit. “How can we solve this situation?” – that’s spirit.
We all have ‘blown our cool’ and go off somewhere to ‘lick out wounds’ and try to throw off our ego (She is so wrong – She was so hateful -) to the spirit of ‘How do we overcome this problem?” When you are looking for a peaceful solution, you are acting in love or spirit. This is a good time to throw away all her faults (ego) and look at why you really love her (spirit). Start to list all the positive aspects about your love. Has the fight resulted from blaming, judging or having unrealistic expectations? Has there been too much demanding involved. Have you given her space or are you always there – right in her face?
How to Repair Bad Situations
If you are pounding your pillow, cursing her, emptying a bottle of Scotch, you are in the ego mode of revenge or escape. Take time out. When both of you are considerably calm, one of you has to make the first approach. You will know what to say or how to respond.
If stuck, you could always say, “Sweetheart, I am not proud of my part in this fight. I want to heal this rift, but I don’t know how. I want to return to love. Nothing was solved. If you can forgive me, then come and let’s talk.”
Work and Deposit “Love” into Your Bank
Just like a bank, partners take and receive and make deposits. It should be as equitable as possible in the taking and giving. Work on feeling good about yourself – that spills over into a relationship. Don’t be too needy or reliant constantly on your partner solving problems that you could solve yourself.
Be happy – dance in the kitchen – sing in the shower; this happiness factor can only enhance a relationship. Bring her flowers – leave a note in her lunch box – phone during the day.
Some relationships are too stifling – it is as if people were chained together.
Other relationships are so loose – that it seems as if two people were living separate lives. Talk out what you want in the relationship and listen for what your partner wants. Compromise. Make plans together for the future as this speaks of a long-term relationship. Learn from arguments. Use the word “we” as in “What shall we do tomorrow,” as against “I would like to go to the…” which could be turned into “What do you think of going to the …..?” In the time out, you might want to explore the possibility that your relationship does not fulfill you and that you are no longer in love. Talk it out – and if necessary, get out!
Don’t overuse the word “I love you.” Try new expressions, “You are wonderful when you....”I fall in love again, every time you.…”I feel so lucky when.... Be creative – love her – cherish her – support her – be her best confident and friend.
Stay in love.