An anonymous group of scientists have produced a study to state that the ageing of the human body cannot be slowed down in lesbians by wearing cool sunglasses, throwing off leather jackets, or trying to look femme.
I, Paula Key, recently interviewed Professor Everie Dyke, who is writing a book on Lesbian Ageing.
Paula: Is ageing really a massive concern in the lesbian community?
Prof Dyke: Yes and No.
Paula: Could you be more specific?
Prof Dyke: Well, there are diesel dykes that will die with their leather jackets and boots on! Then, there are the daring and worried lezzies who want to hide their age by cool sunglasses and engaging the younger lezzies by trying to understand their new music.
Paula: How did you develop your research?
Prof Dyke: Well, we split forty middle-aged lesbians into two separate groups. For control purposes, we made sure to have an equal number of dykes, femmes and everything in between, in each of these groups. Then, we gave the ‘couldn’t care less about ageing group’ the name of Gertrude. The lesbians who worried about decaying and ultimate death, we put into the group entitled Alice.
Paula: What type of instruction was given to each group?
Prof. Dyke: The Gertrude group was instructed to think about living the Good Times, now. We left casual clothes around, cargo pants, tank tops and various clothing for the femmes. We put no restraints on activities or code of behaviour. Drinking and swearing was permitted within reason. Exercise was encouraged such as arm-wrestling, baseball and other contact sports. In the evening rooms were set up for individual musical styles – a Cris Williams, Holly Near group or a kd lang and Melissa group. Chat rooms had a venue: a) best sexual moments at the Michigan Womyn’s Festival b) how to get through menopause c) will I have enough money for retirement, etc. etc. Booze, sing-a-longs and slow dancing were all encouraged.
Paula: And what instructions or goals were given to the Alice Group?
Prof Dyke: They were instructed to cling to their youth. We would introduce scenarios such as ‘your girlfriend is noticing you ageing!”
Paula: That is rather superficial.
Prof Dyke: So is clinging to your youth (chuckles) Anyway, We brought in ellen’s make up people who used Cover Girl products. They were made to watch ellen every day and dance for at least one hour. Younger lesbians were brought in for interactive relationships – The younger lesbians would introduce their lezzie musicians and favourite gay movies. Sleeping with younger lesbians was optional and very little occurred. One middle age woman complained that the younger lezzies were too self-centred and not flexible in understanding sex from a middle age point of view.
Paula: And to wrap up your findings?
Prof Dyke: All subjects suffered age-related problems, such as wrinkles, sinking boobs, bloated or beer bellies…others felt that their dieting to look youthful resulted in haggard looks. The Alice Group gave up communicating with young lezzies stating “these youngsters have nothing to fight for; they are soft! ” There was one exception, a middle aged woman named ZZ, took off in her BMW sports car, letting a young punky-lezzie take over the driving wheel.
Paula: So the groups broke up and had nothing in common?
Prof. Dyke: Hell, no. To our amazement, the Alice group realized that the Gertrude group was having “way too much fun!” (chuckles) I was in that group! (more chuckles). Alice joined Gertrude (more chuckles). There was a lot of give and take, so to speak.
Paula: Give and Take?
Prof Dyke: Yeah. I saw this one big dyke, build like Xena, look at some skin-softener. She liked the way this femme was massaging it into her muscled arm. They had a dance and the separateness seem to vanish as arms wrapped around bodies (chuckles). Then, someone yelled, “Ten o’clock” and everyone went to bed or stayed behind necking in dark corners.
Paula: Look at the time. It’s ten o’clock. Thanks for the interview. I’m off to bed to get my beauty sleep.
Can I come too?
Paula: No. I’m a happily married lesbian!