Paula here. Now, I must be doing something good because I am approaching 32,000 visitors (like you, thank you darling) and one of them left me a gift – The Gay Agenda. Naturally, this anonymous person knew that if I printed it on my site that it would be safe from those pesky right-wing bigots with their “Straight Agenda.” So please, raise your right hand, and promise not to reveal it to anyone. Don’t have your laptop/computer open at work to this page, let’s keep the straights guessing about the Gay Agenda.
This seems to be a typical day in the life of a lesbian with a “Gay Agenda.”
6.00 a.m. Stretch, yawn and postpone the alarm, then dash out of bed and frantically make toast. Make a mental note that you will put your clothes out each night. Wake up son; wake up lesbian partner – try to wake up self.
8.00 a.m. Get into your lesbian truck decorated with some splashes of straight stickers “I love my golden retriever” sign and “My Kid is an A Student at….” Get a kleenex and wipe away some of that “Old Spice” and “Brute.” aftershave.
9.00 a.m. Sit at desk. Re-adjust picture of your ex husband ( your marriage to him that lasted five years), put it behind recent picture of you, your kid and “your cousin”. Talk and do business with straights..with a few phone calls to lezzies.
3.00 pm. Coffee Break: Use it to learn how to operate a bulldozer, so that you can demolish that Baptist homophobic church in the middle of the night.
4.00 pm. Look around at heterosexual married staff. Choose a different person each day to subtly ruin his/ her straight marriage.
5.00 p.m. Dash home – pick up items for dinner and curse that your girlfriend is not cooking tonight. Pick up kid and listen to him talk about marrying Tony, his latest crush in kindergarten. (Subliminal tape is working!!!!) Make sure he has a nice pink or purple outfit for tomorrow.
5.30 p.m When kid is watching television with cookies and glass of milk, smoke a joint that will help you cope with the cooking chore. Phone girlfriend and remind her to bring home a couple of bottles of wine and a porn movie.
6.00 p.m. Serve dinner to girlfriend, child. Dessert for child is ice cream; both adults put ice cream on hash brownies.
7.00 p.m Child safely in bed. Put on subliminal tape to check her sexuality to gay.
8.15 p.m. Girlfriend and you – share anti-straights night of destruction.
Agenda tonight: 1. This week Seduce Mrs. Donny Brown and that university hottie Tanya.
2. Wait until it’s dark and paint the Baptist Church with rainbow colors. 3. Take out map and pinpoint local libraries. 4. Divide libraries between you. 5. List time and day in which you will both secretly slip lesbian novels onto shelves. 6. Make a list of gay-friendly kids books like “I Have Two Mommies” and put these in the library chldren’s sections.
8.30 p.m. Toss coin as to which of you will volunteer for Girl Guides overnight trip – and who will be a Guest Lecturer at Sunday School in the next town.
8.45 p.m. Smoke joints, drink wine and watch porn movie. Make out on couch, floor, hallway and bedroom. Tell awake daughter that this is just mommy and mamma’s gym work out Postpone painting Baptist Church until sober and not stoned. Re-set kid’s subliminal “I want to be gay” tape.
9.00 p.m Write fake letter from local pastor’s wife on internet and on Church internet site – explaining why she is “Coming Out.”
9.50 p.m Continue love-making and turn up volume to “I am What I am” and “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.” Vow to paint church tomorrow night. Sleep.
paula. Hope you smiled with this one.