Nov 132013

The Darwin Awards: In Search Of Smart.

DARWIN AWARD: Newcastle Icicle
(31 March 2013, Newcastle, England) Investigative journalism reaches a new “low” when a reporter freezes to death in an effort to get inside the lives of those who sleep rough…


DARWIN AWARD: Smokin’ Hot Sauce!
Thinking he was drinking alcohol, Gary picked up a salsa jar and took a swig of gasoline. After spitting it up onto his clothing, he recovered from the shock by lighting a cigarette…

The East Alligator River in the Northern Territory is crossed at Cahill’s Crossing. Recently a Euro tourist drove into the parking lot of the an upstream boat launch area in her hired 4WD vehicle and, seeing a concrete ramp disappearing into the water, assumed that she had reached Cahill’s Crossing…

Ecco L’allegro Saldatore
5 February 2013.
Mechanic Sérgio A. Rosa, 49, was welding a gas tanker that, curiously, exploded, sending his remains flying 400 meters through the air. One wonders if his life flashed before his eyes…

Darwin Award: Vodka Blues.
Posted 21 February 2013.
The discovery of a ‘bottle of liquid’ left behind by a trucker ought to set off certain alarm bells…

HONORABLE MENTION: (survivors) Lottery Winners Celebrate By Blowing Up House. Two brothers celebrated a winning $75,000 lottery ticket with a marijuana and meth binge that blew up their house. In preparation for the drug orgy they emptied several large cans of butane fuel while refilling their lighters; butane fumes crept toward the furnace and ignited. One brother was was taken to the hospital and the other was taken to jail. (Witchita, KS. 15 February 2013.) The girlfriend loaded him into the car, dropped him off at the Emergency Room, and zoomed away with the kids! Smart girl. However, survival plus children equals No Darwin Award.

(29 January 2013, Texas) Smoking a cigarette is risky enough without adding fuel to the fire. For reasons that have yet to be explained, two 24-year-olds (identified as a man and a woman) invaded the property of an oil drilling company located 75 miles east of Dallas. Four oil/water storage units located on the property seemed, to the trespassers, to be ideal platforms for a 3-AM cigarette break. In the wee hours of the morning, the disaster-ly duo climbed up and lit up, thereby setting the tank and themselves on fire.

Courageous firefighters saved the lives of these nicotine nutballs, and prevented worse tragedy by throwing large foam blankets over the remaining three oil/water tanks. Ms. Disaster landed in the hospital on life support, while Mr. Disaster was treated for severe burns on face, back, and arms. Survivors of their own bad judgment, we award the “Lucky Strikes” an Honorable Mention. Perhaps this episode will motivate them to quit. quit.(Ref 1Ref 2)

Comments: “In Capitalist America cigarette smokes you!”
“Next step: Sue the oil company–no warning was posted on top of the tank!”
Update: All 3 intruders were placed under arrest in Van Zandt County, TX.

Loser Wins Roach-Eating Contest.

(5 October 2012, Florida) Police say that Edward A., 32, died after winning a roach-eating contest (and losing a worm-eating contest) at a reptile store. By some reports, he ate a plate full of superworms, a handful of mealworms, and half a bucket of roaches. Nominated for a Darwin Award, Mr. Roach Man loses the prize because–surprising but true–roaches and worms are considered edible. Entymologists say that an all-you-can-eat insect buffet is not normally deadly, just silly.

The cause of death was not officially disclosed, yet educated guessers finger a dormant food allergy waiting for the right trigger. Contestants were disallowed if they were allergic to shellfish, and roach allergies can develop in people living in infested tenements.

So was it Darwin-Award-Winning-dumb for Edward to overindulge in roaches? No, just weird. Our nominee is a few twigs short of an award, yet deserves a mention for memorable exits. A lingering question is, were the roaches raw or cooked?

QUOTABLE FACTOID: “Very few human cultures tend to eat cockroaches [due to] high levels of uric acid and nitrogenous waste.” Bill Kern, PhD, University of Florida, quoted in The Miami Herald.

Jack-in-the-Bus – Darwin Awards Fodder?
8 October 2012

Sociological Images always has something pithy to say about what society considers normal. Inspired, we borrow spectacles from the editors of S.I., and peer at a touchy subject in the world of humor.

Consider a bus traveling along the streets of a busy modern city such as Serra, Brazil. The bus driver, guided by instinct developed over years of experience, is expertly navigating the narrow streets of the metro area. Suddenly a passenger throws in a new variable: He stands on the seat and hangs his torso out the window, wiggling around and whooping it up. The Darwin Awards editors are honor-bound to divulge that this sounds super-duper fun. Arms extended, hair a’flying, an undeniably W00T activity.

Yet to do so effectively increases the width of a bus by two feet. Head, please meet your nemesis in the form of a utility pole. The streets are narrow. Now you know!

Solid Darwin Award.
“Bus-ted.” But wait! The printing press comes to a screeching halt. Open dialog between Darwin Awards editors and worldwide fans has reached a consensus that we cannot print the story of this passenger pigeon. Why? Because the deceased individual is a female aged 14. Our magical thinking holds that at 18 the deceased is dumb, and not a day before that birthday.

“Hold the press!” The answer to your question, Intrepid News Reporter C. Elias, is that your submission is a Darwin Award in all aspects–except the age of the perp. In our archives females are underrepresented 10:1, yet we must kill this submission. Humans who are 14 years young are denied the solace of a Darwin Award.



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